Joycelyn Elders My Hero by William B. Lindley Now that she is gone from the public scene, she may be too soon forgotten, but she was one of Clinton's best appointments, and he was a coward for firing her. I hope that she is prospering in new and useful service to humanity, enjoying the company of a great circle of friends, and making lots of money. I watch the Rush Limbaugh TV programs with my brother, a fan (while convalescing I'm watching Rush with my host's grandson, also a fan), and Rush made fun of Joycelyn often: she was one of his favorite "liberal" clowns. In my opinion, he put egg on his face most of the time. (On one of his programs, just after the firing, Rush put on a "memorial" montage of clips. By actual count, he scored once and put egg on his face four times.) What did she do? She came out with a suggestion that we rethink the War on Drugs. It is far more destructive than Prohibition but about as successful as that program. Coward Clinton immediately distanced himself from her remarks. She suggested that of all the mind-altering drugs, legal and illegal, nicotine is by far the biggest killer, which happens to be true if you want to run the numbers. More calumny. She supported condoms. "Be good; if you can't be good, be careful; if you can't be careful, name it after me." She was willing to give kids in a tight spot the opportunity to be careful. Not for her the Christian Coalition-Rush Limbaugh version of the advice: "Be good; if you can't be good, then die: I don't give a damn." She is of course reviled for this humanly decent outlook, a necessary part of her job as Surgeon General. And now we come to the last act. In an unguarded response to a reporter's question, she suggested that teaching about masturbation might not be a bad idea. Coward Clinton gave her the ax. There was much ribaldry on Rush's program and elsewhere about young people already knowing all they need to know on that subject. To all the hypocrites who jumped on the bandwagon and viewed with horror her innocent remarks, I'd like to ask the following: "Which would you rather have for your kid: hairy palms or AIDS?" For some, the choice is that simple and cannot be dodged. But who asked that question at the right time? Nobody. (A kind person would add in a whisper: "And the good news is that there are no documented cases of hairy palms.") Also, to those who scream about the horrors of teenage pregnancy, one could offer the fact that an ardor that has gone out of control can be quickly cured with a hand job. Are they open to that kind of wisdom? Hell, no. But Joycelyn Elders is. She served as Surgeon General above and beyond the call of duty. May she long be praised.